So, I’ve Finally had the chance to probe a little bit of my psych this week. Specifically whatever it is that keeps me from wanting to get up in the mornings. And I’ve come to an interesting, though unhelpful conclusion. There’s nothing there. Now this might sound like good news. As in, without an obvious obstacle, it’s left up to Willpower alone… but therin lies the problem. Willfully overcoming something requires that something to overcome. And to characterize the Nothing a bit more, it’s not like a “Emptiness”, or a sense that there is a void that needs filled, or even a sense of something missing… but Nothing. What makes it interesting though… is that I could internally sense this Nothing as if it were a concentrated mass… of nothing. Not a Feeling, just a mass… sort of like an internal bundle of… nothing. I know, this is a lousy, almost contradictory description, and it doesn’t assist in contextualizing it… but imagine how I feel trying to deal with it. ;? As an imaginative descriptor… it’s almost like the “Nothing” is the part of my psych that is still asleep, and without that part, I’m not present enough to want to get up.
I do have ideas for how to deal with this though. I’ve known for years that when I have something I Have to do, I have no issues getting myself up in the morning. I still don’t want to but I am able to make myself do what needs done. So if I can somehow commit myself in such a way that I have to have time in the mornings, it should help me get up earlier than, “Exactly” what it takes to get ready and go to work. Also, I’m able to pull myself out from this nothing by showering, or even just washing my face. Following that imaginative descriptor, it’s as if I’m waking up that sleeping part of me. This is a similar thought train to the one that kept me working unreasonable hours to keep myself from having time to think though… So I’m not convinced that it’s the Best option. Another idea is to utilize an alarm clock that is far enough out of reach, or involved enough to turn off, that I’m forced to get out of bed for long enough to maybe dispel the nothing. Something like this or this maybe… My largest concern is that either one of them wouldn’t be loud enough to actually wake me up, as to top off my issue getting up in the morning, I’m a heavy sleeper. ;? (No chance that they’re related eh? ;P)
Either way, I’m glad I was able to have these few opportunities to evaluate some of what’s going on in my head. Of course, this evaluation was done in the grip of this nothing, so it’s certainly not the most reliable observation… but as I was able to make myself poke around multiple mornings… I feel comfortable enough with what I’ve got so far. Perhaps through trying to deal with this, I’ll have more opportunities to evaluate this, we’ll see. I will admit that at least ‘Part’ of my goal is to allow myself the chance to get back to documenting my dreams. Not because the majority of them are particularly interesting, but because that’s one of the first steps in learning to lucid dream, and I managed a modicum of success that last time I worked on that (I thought I’d blogged about that before… but I can’t find the posts to link to O.o!). We’ll see.