Business, Headaches, and a Flipped Car

While sure, one could likely cause the others, in this case they are all unrelated. Setting up the new business is chugging along, and we’re nearing to a formal launch. After which there will be a small flurry of activity here, and then a sort of radio silence… unless you know where to look. ;P (We’re running a launch contest, guess close to our Phone Call Time, and win a free piece of clothing. If you’ve been interested in what the fuss is about, here’s a no effort chance to find out. We’ll choose a closest above, a closest under, and if someone hits the nose on the head… we’ll come up with some kind of a special gift for them).

The headache is due to my quitting the newest medication I was on. There’s a waning off period, and not only is it causing a (Thankfully light) headache, but it’s giving me this kind of woozy “High” feeling that’s been rather bothersome. I don’t feel safe driving until it’s gone, and it’s already been sticking around for a few days now. ;? Soon enough it’ll be a problem of the past, but for now, it’s unpleasant.

The Flipped Car was another kid on the road in front of our house that probably needs to go back to driving school. I can be a bit pithy because thank goodness nobody was hurt (And at a glance there was no major property damage. Nothing of ours was wrecked… This Time at least, and the kid was walking around looking ashamed. I’ll do another loop down there when the sun comes back up).

From my perspective I heard a heck of a noise. Went out and saw an upside down car. Verified with the kid that had just crawled out that he was alone in the vehicle and physically unharmed (I couldn’t tell if he was under the influence… or just in shock at having just crawled out of a flipped car, but there were no marks or blood. He was very lucky… and I have no idea what he flipped the car on), and then pulled my car down the driveway to provide light to the scene. The police were already called (The neighbors shockingly “Also” heard the noise), and showed up shortly thereafter, so I re-parked my car and came back in to finish working for the night. It would probably have been a bit crass to have come back with a camera (Even though nobody was hurt), so there are no pictures to share.

So all in all it’s been an interesting evening. There are other things I could write about… but this wooziness is bothersome enough that I’m going to call it a night.

Do not adjust your Television Set

  This is just a test. I’m planning on using IFTTT a little more for social spread, and I kind of want to see what a post looks like through different output methods, and what formatting options I can use. This is also the first post from my new tablet, so it’ll be interesting to see what this process is like as well.

  I don’t have anything particularly interesting to say, but I want to see what multiple paragraphs look like in different output modes, and I’ll post once from each blog to test that out. This is my Personal Blog, so my pratter will be slightly uhhh… Personal? Like a conversation about my day, or sharing of events in my life. Right now the most interesting things in my life are work related… And I’m not feeling super chatty about that. I can say I’m exhausted… And only half of that is physical. ;?

  We’ll see. The main reason I have this tablet is because it was on a promotion for free with a data line at T-Mobile while I was adding Tahirih to my plan. I’d been considering a Data Line for a while now, and handing me a Tablet to sign up your one was too good an offer to pass up. In a ‘Hilarious’ twist of fate, my old tablet broke after I ordered this one, so lucky me for running into this deal? ;?

The Beauty of Fall

I hear about it all the time. As the summer comes to an end the wind begins to dance with the eldest of the leaves, and donning their finest hues, the leaves in turn descend playfully to the ground below, blanketing the now yellowing grass with their lively colors, and reminding us of the transitory nature of our lives. How not only are we never truly done, but even in the waning of our lives we are still full of the rich experiences that have brought us to where we are, and if we only but take a cue from the leaves that dance with the wind, we can share the beauty of our own personal tapestries with the world around us.

And just as no words can ever truly hope to capture the experience of Fall, I recognize how shallow my own attempt at sharing the poignant emotions stirred when I read a passage written by one of my friends. It’s funny the things that inspire, and stranger still the result of such inspiration. She described a leaf, alone in the slowly fading light, it’s colors ranging from the bright yellows, to the crimson reds, resting at the cross section between stone and grass. With the hard rough concrete of her walk brushing the still vibrant green yard of her neighbors as the backdrop, the leaf inspired in her an awe that she was reluctant to taint by trying to capture it with the rudimentary tools available within her phone.

And while so enthralled by the whispered beauty of the leaf alone, as it shouted it’s colors into the night, she was made aware of the neighbors, coming out from their home to observe the young woman standing at the end of their drive. Here she paints the scene surrounding the island of beauty. You have a young woman holding a long forgotten cigarette, wavering ever so slightly as she stands at the end of the drive. Eyes decorated by a wash of dried tears and old makeup, she is raptly focused on what to them, is merely the ground at the edge of their yard.

I think what struck me the most in this story was not only the obvious blow to the heart such a sight brought her, but the candid manner in which she shared this excerpt from her life. She identifies herself as the ‘Crazy person of the day story’ in the lives of her neighbors, and sets this as a bar of experience to which we should all aspire, a notion I could not agree with more.

Now it wasn’t ‘just’ the feeling I got from that post that I wanted to share. It also got me thinking about… well… life. In particular, I realized ‘why’ I love excerpts like this as much as I do. It’s a glimpse at a world I will never see. I’ve written before about being colourblind, and even suggested way in which it may have affected my life. But when I’m talking to someone about it, and they express their sympathy, I wave it off with an expression along the lines of, “I haven’t ‘lost’ my ability to see color, I never had it, so it’s not like I’m ‘Missing’ something. ;P”. It occurs to me that this is why I’ve never felt the loss.

In much the same way that reading an adventure novel allows one the opportunity to explore dark forests of indeterminable age, with massive trunks that bear the weathering of years, underbrush that catches at the legs, and trips the unwary traveler, vines so long in the growing looping from tree to tree with no identifiable beginning nor end. In the same way you can almost hear the rustle of the wind through the boughs above, and the chatter of creatures that dance just beyond sight. The same influence that allows you to smell the once living husks of trees fallen in unknowable storms mixing with the verdant life of the forest today… This same power allows me to see the beauty of the world, the richness of life’s tapestry as if I truly could see the colors for myself. And is the reason that I’ve never really felt colourblind.

She agreed to allow me to reproduce the original post here attributed to her:

So I was walking back to my house after grabbing some food, kind of lost in thought. I saw a leaf on the sidewalk that was the most perfect fall leaf I think I have ever seen. It was school bus yellow at the tip and faded in blazing oranges and pinks into an almost painfully bright red shade and was nestled into some of the greenest grass in the neighborhood.
I stopped short and just stared at it. I considered taking a picture of it, but realized that this would make me that person who takes pictures of leaves on the sidewalk (hashtag nofilter). It was one of those moments that let me know instantly that to try to capture it would be to diminish it. A moment where making it important enough to try and keep shatters the illusion.
I must have stood there and looked at this leaf for at least 5 minutes, because when I came back to reality my cigarette had smoked most of itself without my assistance. Coming back to reality was done because a lady and her kid had come out of her house to see a vaguely disheveled, mildly hungover woman with smears of last night’s eye make up still clinging around faded tear tracks, standing mute and still just staring intently at the lawn from the end of their very short driveway.
Just not living life if you’re not somebody’s crazy-person-of-the-day story sometimes.
It was a really nice leaf.
It has been a trying couple of days.

Lauren Bartle

And link to the Original for those of you that can see it.

Feeling ‘Blue’

[Warning: This post if full of whining, and rambling of a unproductive nature. ;? It Eventually breaks down into more of a “Ramble” (Pseudo Stream of Consciousness) than a “Post”, but now that I’m finally writing more, I can get these rambles out when they cross my mind. I do not pretend to have fully developed thoughts here. This is my attempt at putting into text ‘first’ how I was ‘Feeling` and then ‘second’ some of my thoughts on it, and tenuously related subjects surrounding that. I am ‘painfully’ aware of how incomplete some of this is, and how illogical, and incompatible with itself even, the majority of it is. ;? ]

Blue? That’s a Romanticized term for a state of being that is anything but. ;? Perhaps Wholly Incapable of Responding Positively to Positive Stimuli (WIoRPtPS) is ‘just’ too much of a mouthful, and we may need to invest some time into coming up with a snappier acronym… but yeah… “Blue” doesn’t quite cut it. I started thinking this up as my “Post” for the day on dA, but quickly realized that this wouldn’t fit not only in scope, but in size for that project, and so it’s getting its own “Real” for real Blog Post. Which is what this is supposed to be. (It’s also an excuse to set up “Live Writer” on my Laptop Finally. ;P) I don’t know how I ‘feel’ about writing about this in such a cavalier fashion, but I’m working on expressing myself better in my writing, so here we go.

Depression sucks. This isn’t a secret. What is a bit surprising, to me at least, is how insidious it can be in even the most externally ‘Okay’ people. I don’t know ‘where’ I fall on the outsider view, but the people close to me seem to think I’m ‘generally’ just fine, and I’ll take that as a fair assessment. The part of this that’s bothersome to me is that I wouldn’t use ‘Generally’ to describe how often I actually ‘feel’ okay. Heck, there are times when I wouldn’t use ‘Okay’ to describe how I feel at all. And in a completely illogical and detrimental fashion, I despise this about myself. Moreso when I’m feeling ‘Blue’. And of course, being who I am, I try to power through regardless, putting on a “Friendly Face” and all the while there is this dragging, all encompassing void that just sucks the theoretical joy out my day.

It’s so damn trite. That’s what kills me about it. I’m not saying anything new. I’m not fighting something ‘unique’ or ‘particularly difficult’. People deal with depression on a constant basis, and manage to operate just fine. So who am I to think that this is anything more than anyone else has to wake up to, and yet the world marches on, so of course so must I. Regardless of what I ‘Feel’. And sometimes, I question even that. Everyone that knows me has commented on how little I respond to life emotionally. My Ex used to call me a “Heartless Bastard” in an affectionate manner. I wasn’t mean, or cruel, the things people typically associate with that concept. I just didn’t resonate on an emotional level. As if I was muted to the sensations I ‘should’ have been feeling.

I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t ever want to engage the world. I’m not ‘afraid’ of anything, there’s nothing I ‘m trying to avoid… I just ‘don’t’ want to. It’s a fight to make myself go. I walk through the day, and if I let myself think about it, I just want to lie down and stop. I want to Eat Everything, but I’m not ever hungry. Maybe I’m deficient in some mineral, and eating it will fill the void. I want to Hit Everything. Not because I’m angry, I’m almost never angry, but maybe I’ll feel differently once I’ve got the energy out. Maybe I’ll get into a fight, and at the least not feel empty. I want to Cry, just sob chest wrenching, heart aching tears, but I almost can’t cry outside of sad movies or books. Even after watching someone die right before my eyes, it took months before I was able to make myself cry about it, and I had to work at it. I want to laugh. Not pretend to laugh because I know it’s socially appropriate, or because I know people respond better to laughter, but because I’m happy, even if just for a few moments. I’ve spent years perfecting my laugh, and no one any more comments on how fake it sounds. But what I would give to experience ‘joy’, as people have described it to me.

Again, I know I’m just rattling out the same old, same old trite exclamations of anyone who’s ever dealt with depression. It’s boring, it’s uninteresting, and there’s nothing new to learn here. And outside of the few goals I’ve yet to accomplish, I do relatively well with myself, so really there’s no reason to complain. But then I have these ‘Dark’ days (I hate the terminology used to describe depression. It’s meant to contextualize a series of sensations that are devoid of rational context… but it’s simpler to use the language we’ve got for now. ;?) and of course I obsessively pour over every one of my character flaws that impedes my success. And even looking at the things in my life that are objectively ‘good’, I see only the negative, and the ways in which these things ‘drag me down’, or keep me from my goals.

There are strategies to deal with this, for me at least. If I have too much time to think, I eat myself up, but  I’ve found that losing myself in my work allows me to forget to think about myself, which keeps me from focusing on the things that wear on me. It’s funny in a sick kind of way, but by working so much that I have no time for myself, I’m ‘Internally’ “Better”, but Externally worse for wear. Having such a pressing schedule wears on the people in my life, and keeps me from accomplishing the things  I want to accomplish,which then feeds into the depression when these things (Personal, and Professional) rear their heads. Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t. And always, just out of reach, is the surety that if I would just ‘Do It’ (The Super It, the things that would make me ‘Successful’ on the arbitrary scale the world has presented, at the cost of the elements in my life I’ve carefully cultivated to ensure I was living a “Healthier” existence.), I’d no longer have to deal with this oppressive sensation.

My “Every Day” isn’t as I’ve described it. This is me talking at my worst. My “Normal” day is just ‘Fine’. I don’t get too low, I don’t get too high, I just kind of meander through my day. I’m colourblind, and one of the ways Melissa and I ended up describing my “Baseline’” was by comparing it to my Colourblindness. To me, all the colors are of the same rough source. So at a distance it becomes difficult to distinguish colors. Comparing that to ‘Normal’ vision, it’s as if my entire world is a drab and muddied vista. Colors don’t “Pop” out at me the way they seem to people who aren’t colourblind, and I ‘Feel’ the same way emotionally. I cannot begin to fathom all encompassing rage, vibrant joy, deep and enduring love, endless sadness, or any of those other colorful descriptors beyond the context of “Fiction”. Conceptually, this is a ‘Good’ thing, as it keeps me ‘level’… but I do wonder at the “Chicken and the Egg” of it. Does ‘this’ cause my depression, or is it because of my depression that I am this way? I ‘think’ that it had to have been different when I was younger… though I know that it was in my youth that I ‘first’ started recognizing that I needed to ‘learn’ to laugh… ;?

Perhaps this is how ‘Everyone’ works. Perhaps I’m just ‘normal’, and it’s a sign of my personal weakness that I even feel the need to comment on it. I’ve tried engaging people in discussion all throughout my life to determine whether or not that was the case, and perhaps those that I engaged were the exception, but I’ve not found this to be true. ‘My’ truth is that I consider Emotions to be no different than any other stimuli, and like you learn from the heat of a burner to keep your hands away, you learn from the ‘Sadness’ you feel when people criticize you to keep your ‘self’ away. But if that’s true, why do people constantly discuss their choices as if they’re permeated by these unbending sensations that direct their actions? What would it be like to experience a Stimuli “So Strong” that you were almost powerless to act against it… I just cannot imagine that.

I’ve read countless psychological research papers delving into the human mind from many different angles, and I constantly encounter resolutions that just don’t seem to apply to a worldview I can relate to. I recognize my faults by now, and I am aware of my positive traits. I am not deluded enough to believe that I completely understand myself, but I do recognize that I am at least reasonably self aware. With all this, it is still a struggle to align the way I view the world with the way it is constantly described to me. To me, you receive data (Accompanied by whatever emotional stimuli may be relevant), process this, and make a decision as to how you should react to it. The way I constantly hear it described, one tends to ‘experience’ an event, flare up with emotional response, and then work to both control that emotional response while trying to react to the experience. That sounds kind of awesome. ;P But maddening at the same time. If ‘that’ is the world as most people experience it, then no wonder people have so much difficulty getting through it.

I used to intentionally ‘make’ myself ‘wallow’ in an emotional stimuli for an extended period of time. They are such little things that I figured perhaps “Prolonging my Exposure” to them would allow me to experience them more naturally. This just ended up with me behaving erratically, and did absolutely nothing for my ability to experience things more ‘naturally’. Long ago I sought “Fullness” by sampling a variety of religions. You hear from people confident in their faith that there’s a ‘Wholeness’ in ‘Faith’, but I found no stronger stimuli in a church, den, circle, than I found at the grocery store, or in my bathroom. I don’t know what I’m ‘missing’, and I don’t know where to find it either.

Then there’s the ‘funny’ exception that makes me question the ‘Reality’ of my entire worldview. The exception that lends credence to my Roommate’s occasional angry outburst that I am merely deluding myself (A viewpoint he ‘only’ shares when he’s angry at me, so I have reason to question it). Movies, Games, and Books. I can somewhat fully immerse myself in a work of Fiction like I cannot find a way to immerse myself in the world. A sad work of fiction will leave me bawling like the entire world has collapsed around me. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly ‘good’ sad work. A particularly happy/beautiful work of fiction can have a similar effect. But the oddity there is, it’s ‘only’ in the confine of the work of fiction. Somehow, the stories have the power to elicit the extremes of my stimuli… And I have ‘yet’ to figure out why.

A working theory that was presented to me is that perhaps I’m not ‘actually’ very ‘light’ in my emotional responses. Perhaps I actually experience things “Far Too Strongly”, and I’ve taught myself to clamp down on my responses, and it’s in a “Work of Fiction” that I feel ‘Safe’ enough to loosen the reins. If that’s truly the case, then why can I not ‘Make’ myself loosen up at other times, even with conscious effort. Another theory, is that I ‘force’ myself to over evaluate everything (Long since passed into habit, but originally personally motivated), and that when presented with an incomplete picture, an ‘unrealistic’ story, I turn that off, an ‘allow’ myself to respond more ‘naturally’. I just don’t know.

There’s a peek into my head. This writing began from a low point, and finished up during my baseline. I’m not sure what benefit it is for me to post this. Perhaps it may alienate people, or cause alarm where there is no reason for alarm. This is not a “Cry for Help”, I am not looking for answers by posting this (Though I ‘love’ discussion, so I’m certainly open to talking about some of what I’ve written, or really ‘anything’). A side effect of my constant self evaluation and delving into the thought processes of others is that I’m particularly good at ‘listening’ when others wish to share their personal strife (As I do not ‘judge’. It’s fruitless, and only serves to obfuscate whatever is being shared), and if I’m not being misled, I actually give good advice. So here are my words, and I welcome yours.

The words… they’re overflowing…

Oh my… this certainly isn’t the way I figured it would go. I’ve been trying to get myself on a writing kick for… How long now?

*Looks back to the “Start” of this blog*

And now, thanks to an impulsive project on dA, I’ve gotten to the point where my desire to write exceeds my output containers… Hooray?! ;P So now, I’ll do the unthinkable, and update this blog… on a whim. There’s no “Grand Topic”, no “Reason to Write”, and while it ‘is’ close to PAXE once more, this time, that’s not the motivator. I just want to sit here in front of my Laptop (Which is in dire need of being replaced. :?) and write some words out where no one will read them. ;P

So… what to write about. *Remembers the “Seed” of inspiration that ‘Actually’ drew me here* Little things…. but before that… what ‘is’ this “Insert Photo” button at the top of this compose window… could it be…

It's a cup

Unused 365 Project Photo… Until now!

D: It is! I can insert photos here! In “Not Tiny, or Poorly Formatted” kind of way… like Tumblr wanted me to do. I cannot believe that while I was lamenting the fact that dA was eating my posts… and I was trying to find a new place to post them… I had this available the ‘Whole Time’! D:

Meh, I got over myself, and dA fixed their bug, so I guess it’s better that I didn’t find it… but still… I will say, this Editing window has come a ‘Long’ way from the last time I saw it. In fact, I am impressed enough that I may not go back to using “Live Writer” (Which is otherwise my favorite blogging application for it’s streamlined setup, “Template” Matching, and general functionality. ;P) We’ll see though.

Soo… “Little Things”, I’m not too sure what I meant by that (It’s taken me forever to actually put all of this together. Thank goodness for “Drafts” ;P)… and now I don’t have time to write about it anywho. Guess that’s a subject for another post. O.O

A Moment in Time

Moment in Time 1

I was heading home from work one day when I noticed something. It wasn’t anything big, couldn’t hardly be called interesting, and would have come and gone if not for my notice that night. Would my life have been dramatically altered? Would I have “Gone down a different path” so to speak, had I not noticed it… It’s really too late to know.  But it got me thinking. Life is full of these moments. Only, most of the time they do go unnoticed.

You’re at work. It’s been a long week, and you’ve got your manager breathing down your neck about this weeks mess. Forget the fact that you’ve been slaving away trying to fix someone else’s mistake. It’s your project now, and it’s not  “To Par”. You finally find time to take lunch, and that girl from the office you keep meaning to talk to is in the break room talking about the movie she and her friends went out to see last night.

That’s it. There’s nothing special about that situation.  Heck, it’s a story that plays on repeat at every job across the world, and yet…

Let’s say you’ve seen that movie, though you’ve had a bad week, and you’re not feeling very sociable. You get your food, eat, and return to the mines. It was after all the only time you get in a day where “Most of the time” no one is yelling at you to fix yet another problem. Two years later you finally move on to another job, and hey, life’s better now right?

Rewind that. Bad week or not, you’ve been meaning to talk to this girl, so you do. Just a few words about how you (did/didn’t) enjoy that movie, and hey guess what, she agrees. You guys talk for a few more minutes, and shoot, it’s time to get back to work. Two years later you guys (dated/never talked again/flirted but it never went anywhere/married/who cares) afterwards, and would you look at that, a whole section of your life was (possibly) changed in a moment.

(Almost “Pandering” with the “Romance Example”, but it adds the “Confidence” angle to this “Moment in Time” piece.)

It’s little moments like that which make up  the stories we have to tell from our rockers many years hence. And in these moments, where is your head at? Me, I think I’ll keep my eyes just a little more open, if I can. And maybe have a camera ready. ;P

Moment in Time 3

Keyboard in the Dishwasher?

Okay, so this is the first test of the Dishwashed Keyboard. ;P I think it’s working. I also happen to like how my hands are forced to work only on the keys they’re meant to be working on. I’m learning already (Something I was already aware of) that my Right Hand likes to go for the B. Hehehe, it’s now on the other side of a Gulf, and Only the Left hand is in position to hit it. ;P I like that. The " sign is still really close to the Enter Key… let’s see if I accidentally hit "Return" while I’m trying for " on this one too. ;? Hopefully not. Well… this is a senseless and goofy post… but it is what I promised for "This" Blog… ^.^ (O.o! I never realized I was hitting the ^ with the wrong hand… ;P My Right hand was just hogging all the keys… o.O! )

Continued Testing:
1234567890.+-*/qwertyiop[]asdfghjkl;’zxcvbnm,./`1234567890-=

Whoo Hoo! Tis a Success! Yes, you can Wash you Keyboard in a Dishwasher (In case you bought it, like I did, at say Goodwill, since it was an Ergonomic and you were using a Keyboard that came packaged new with Windows 98…) to get out the Gunkus you don’t even want to know is in there. ^,^

Observations:

The keys are a little stiff… as I did buy this used, and I’ve never used it before, I cannot be sure if that’s just this keyboard, or if it’s some side effect. I’m going with it’s just the Keyboard. Also, I can’t use it with my Keyboard tray in… since it’s like twice as thick as my old one, and there’s not enough room in there for it, and my hands. Finally, I now have Multimedia Buttons… I don’t know that’s I’ll ever use them (I had them once before on a Wireless Keyboard, and they didn’t really get used. ) but they’re there. (Also, the "Media" key links to a dead file… somewhat’s amiss in my File associations… I’ll fix that later.)