To Drug… or Not to Drug…

Ominous, I know. ;P But seriously, that’s the choice I faced recently… and against all my ‘better’ judgments, I decided to try drugs. Sertraline to be specific… though you’re likely to recognize it more by its ‘Street Name’, Zoloft. I’ve talked before about my personal struggles with depression, and the form it takes for me. I don’t get into it too often, as the story never gets any more interesting than that. It’s no fun, it makes life difficult when there’s no other obstacles, and I’ve dealt with it for as long as I can rightly remember. So recently I made a commitment to really do something about it. Now without a lot of money, and really… no time to commit to therapy, that was off the table (Not that I truly believe in the potential for therapy in my situation considering all the avenues I’ve already taken. Who knows… if this is unsuccessful maybe I’ll revisit it in future as I know quite a few people who have benefited from it, but for various reasons it’s a no go for now). So that left drugs.

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ll know that due to my childhood asthma, I illogically grew to loathe the use medication. The short story goes that since I couldn’t even run across a room without wearing myself out and risking an asthma attack (Thus the need to carry two separate inhalers 24/7), I formed a negative association with my inhalers. I know… they provided me the opportunity not to die… I should have loved them. Hey, I’m not defending kid me’s logic, I’m just telling it like it happened. ;P In any account, that irrational distaste led to an adult that doesn’t use medication unless he has to, which is far less often than you’d think. >.>

So back to my depression. It was hard for me to even acknowledge that it existed (Due in part I’m sure to the social negative stigma towards mental difficulties of any kind), and harder still to accept that it wasn’t something I could just will away… as much as I’d tried. Heck, I’d even read up on all forms of self help, therapy studies, etc. (I would sleep through Psych 101 at this point. ;P) and have tried the lot of them. Positive Manifestations, Exercise, Directed Thinking and Breathing… and so on. None of it worked. Sure, there were moments where I felt ‘better’… but there were always moments I felt ‘better’. That’s a far cry from feeling ‘good’ though (Or really… feeling anything most of the time), and during my low points… it’s hard to get anything done that doesn’t have to be done (And sometimes, even the things that have to be done get put off)… So something needed to change.

So here we are. I’ve made a decision not to let this define me, and though in the past I would have said taking medication is doing just that, I’m coming to realize that by doing so (Or at least trying it… there’s no guaranteed success here, and I may still be working from square the first), I’m giving myself what I hope is the best opportunity to succeed in that. Only time will tell. And hey, even if it doesn’t work… it can’t be said that I’m not trying everything. I’ll be trying as time goes on to document this period (And we all know how well that tends to go ;P) for reference… we’ll see.

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A Moment in Time

Moment in Time 1

I was heading home from work one day when I noticed something. It wasn’t anything big, couldn’t hardly be called interesting, and would have come and gone if not for my notice that night. Would my life have been dramatically altered? Would I have “Gone down a different path” so to speak, had I not noticed it… It’s really too late to know.  But it got me thinking. Life is full of these moments. Only, most of the time they do go unnoticed.

You’re at work. It’s been a long week, and you’ve got your manager breathing down your neck about this weeks mess. Forget the fact that you’ve been slaving away trying to fix someone else’s mistake. It’s your project now, and it’s not  “To Par”. You finally find time to take lunch, and that girl from the office you keep meaning to talk to is in the break room talking about the movie she and her friends went out to see last night.

That’s it. There’s nothing special about that situation.  Heck, it’s a story that plays on repeat at every job across the world, and yet…

Let’s say you’ve seen that movie, though you’ve had a bad week, and you’re not feeling very sociable. You get your food, eat, and return to the mines. It was after all the only time you get in a day where “Most of the time” no one is yelling at you to fix yet another problem. Two years later you finally move on to another job, and hey, life’s better now right?

Rewind that. Bad week or not, you’ve been meaning to talk to this girl, so you do. Just a few words about how you (did/didn’t) enjoy that movie, and hey guess what, she agrees. You guys talk for a few more minutes, and shoot, it’s time to get back to work. Two years later you guys (dated/never talked again/flirted but it never went anywhere/married/who cares) afterwards, and would you look at that, a whole section of your life was (possibly) changed in a moment.

(Almost “Pandering” with the “Romance Example”, but it adds the “Confidence” angle to this “Moment in Time” piece.)

It’s little moments like that which make up  the stories we have to tell from our rockers many years hence. And in these moments, where is your head at? Me, I think I’ll keep my eyes just a little more open, if I can. And maybe have a camera ready. ;P

Moment in Time 3