Trust and a Shuddering Pillar

So life’s good at figuring out when things are pretty awful, and punching you in the face for good measure. Just in case you didn’t get the memo Re: Awful. As I have mentioned a few times, I have an off and on affair with Depression. I mean, it’s always there, ready to come in and make itself at home whether I welcome it in or not, but occasionally I’ve been able to ignore it long enough to get things done. This isn’t a tenable solution “Long Term”, so I’ve tried medication… with Varying Levels of Success. In any event, right now I’m not able to afford medication, so I’m back to the “Ignore it and hope it goes away” stage of treatment. What this means is that beyond the normal grey haze that my perception of the world is cast under, is that for (Increasingly frequent and longer) periods of time, my perception of the world goes from “Grey” to “Black”.

No matter how well I sleep and eat, I have no energy (Assuming I “do” sleep in eat… which is not guaranteed). Everything I do is not only “Useless”, but actively “Bad”. Everyone has nothing but contempt for me, and all that I am and do. I have failed at everything I’ve ever attempted, and no matter how hard I try, I will fail in this too… and so on. These are not intrusive thoughts that can be whisked away by exercise and positive thinking (Which is what folks that do not deal with depression commonly think), but “Truths” of life (Accompanied by a desire to try and explain them… as even I don’t accept my excuses”… it took me a long time to talk to medical professionals and admit this to myself ;?). It’s like, if every so often you woke up, and your vision was gone and your muscles all refused to work beyond what it takes to move your body… but only for that day (Week, Month, Year… different folks are differently affected). It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that nothing has changed… you are not going to be able to get through your day the same way you did before. And while it seems to be impossible to convey the reality of a mental disorder to someone without one… our country has time and again proven how little facts matter… so I’ll not waste the time here trying to do so.

In any event, back to the reason I’m writing today. I’m at the low end of my mental wave pattern, and life is doing it’s Facepunch thing. Someone whom I would have considered a pillar of my life has begun to shudder violently. There are a number of reasons, some good, some bad (and none suitable for discussion in this venue) that this is occurring… but the short of it is, I can not currently rely on them the way, until very recently, I would have said I could… and while the future may end up better than it is currently, some trust has been lost, potentially forever. As I tend to keep my “Inner Circle” incredibly small… I don’t have a lot of folks I trust that thoroughly. At the top of my wave form, this would have just been an unfortunate occurrence, and I would have been easily capable of waiting it out to see what the future holds. At this time though, it’s an earthquake while I was already on shaky legs. I will press on. “This too will pass”… but this blog is an outlet for me to “Keep myself honest”… and if I’m being honest with myself… I’ve not been handling everything as well as I would like.

Less ‘Blue’

So yesterday was an interesting experiment. I wasn’t sure if I ‘Should’ write what I did, but it ended up being both cathartic, and allowed me the chance to step back and look at my thoughts from an outside perspective once more. Granted, I’ve already done that countless times in the past, but I enjoyed not only writing it, but this time, sharing it. Also, I realized that while ‘Exposing’ myself so openly ‘feels’ like I’ve revealed myself to the world, being less ridiculous I realize that very few people ever actually see what I write, so it’s less ‘to the world’, and more ‘to my mom’.. and maybe a few other people here and there. ;P As I don’t have anything else ‘interesting’ to write about at the moment, allow me the time to delve back into my head for a bit as I indulge my narcissism.

 

Following the thread that I tenuously touched upon yesterday, it’s interesting to note ‘what’ stimuli tends to resonate the strongest when I’m under the influence of the emptiness that comes. Rationally, one would assume that ‘all’ stimuli resonates equally, and then I get to choose which to pursue. While of course the choice of what to pursue is certainly always mine, it’s ‘easier’ to pursue the colloquially ‘negative’ emotions… and I’m not sure if that’s an associative thing learned through the years, or if there’s some kind of actually connected psychology there. ‘Common’ study insinuates the latter, but I’m not convinced.

 

For one thing, the negative stimuli isn’t ‘spontaneous’. I still need to engage the world as I always do, and it comes as it typically does. So if there were ‘truly’ an association there, I would assume that it would come regardless of the way I interact with the world. What ‘does’ happen though, is that there is an increased awareness of the stimuli when I’m ‘down’ that isn’t there when I’m not. As if it’s suddenly ‘louder’. And conversely, the colloquially ‘positive’ emotions are ‘muted’. So while being depressed doesn’t ‘make’ one negative, for reasons I have yet to nail down, it’s ‘easier’ to be ‘negative’ while depressed.

 

An interesting series of thoughts just occurred to me. “What” ‘actually’ occurs when I’m feeling ’empty’. I’m describing it here as if certain stimuli is ‘enhanced’, while others are ‘muted’… but what if ‘everything’ is muted (And due to the mellow way I always see things, I’m not particularly aware of it), and it’s just those few things that for some reason escape that? ‘Could’ I train myself to not allow the rest to be ‘muted’? And even going along with the idea that certain stimuli is ‘enhanced’, could I then ‘learn’ to use that for all stimuli, and possibly use it while I’m not ‘down’? I’ve certainly learned to modify my reaction, in some cases quite dramatically in ‘other’ ways, so there’s certainly potential… hmmm… I ‘almost’ want to be ‘down’ for a bit so I can observe this now. ;P

 

That’s all I’ve got for the moment. I went and ‘refreshed’ myself on what’s ‘current’ on Depression, and of course did the ‘link diving’ that happens when you just wander into Wikipedia. It’s ‘possible’ that the specific issue I’m dealing with is outlined here. Of course that’s a personal observation, and it carries no medical weight, but it does note a ‘lack of emotions’ for those who suffer from this under the Pathophysiology heading… which would comfortably explain both constructs I’ve outlined. If that’s the case though, I’ve been under this since childhood. O.o! Or I could just be seeing patterns where there are none. ;P